Rooster has a triple-A mission to rescue one Fedora Meadow, daughter of brewer’s guild mogul Helmet Meadow, from the clutches of fletcher guild mogul Leo McCoy and family.
According to the map Rooster hands to Tricksy, the rescue will take the nimble extraction team of Tricksy, Epi Glottis, and Bizzle into the misty forest to the McCoy family compound. The PHRT remains drydocked from recent damage so today’s whimsical gnomish transport will be Epi’s latest masterpiece, the LARVAAA.
The LARVAAA arrives at a discrete distance from the compound at a discrete hour of the night. The team disembarks in typical fashion from Epi’s conveyances: out the butt.
Tricksy, who regards forests as one of her favorite terrains, directs their progress to a small trail headed for the compound, away from the main road traders use. Epi makes use of a spyglass to spot some broken twigs indicating recent passage. Bizzle borrows Epi’s belt of awesomeness to investigate the twigs for evidence of kidnapping and distinctly hears a voice, “Sounds like a damsel in distress, better hurry!” For all its disembodiment, the voice isn’t wrong. Epi produces a twenty-four foot ladder from a patch off his robe of useful items and climbs the tree for a better view. He hears rustling below. Epi’s mechanical servant, defender, and therapy cat, Artemus, circles around. Tricksy notices a very sneaky treant grappling at her from behind and she evades its grasp. The treant fusses in a couple of unrecognized languages. Another voice warns Bizzle that the treant means what it says.
The treant queries, in common this time, why this group of children, as Epi proposes for the gnomes, would be off the main road? Tricksy introduces herself and asks whether the nice treant has seen their lost friend, a human girl. Bizzle offers to return to the main road if the treant indicates the way. The treant doesn’t like all these fast talking flesh bags, especially the one with the name Tricksy, and ponders consulting with master Bones.
Epi retrieves a smoke stick from his bag and tosses it at treant’s feet. The trespassers cheese it while the treant, blinded by the smoke screen, makes a loud booming call.
The team has no difficulty reuniting out of the smoke cloud and easily shaking any pursuers. In her haste Tricksy steps into a sticky trap. Epi could fashion a universal solvent, but it would take too long. Tricksy retrieves a flask of oil and Epi helps her dowse her clothing and boots to free them. After that close call, the party moves more cautiously through the misty forest and arrives at the compound without further incident.
The McCoy compound has but one visible entrance and it is guarded by two distracted guards. The team sneaks through the trees toward the back corner where Tricksy can pull them up to the rooftops. The guards spot Epi’s giant head and order him to halt. Tricksy’s suture fly, Knit IV, zips out of the woods and sews up both guards’ mouths as they try to yell a warning. They run back into the compound and ring a warning bell.
Epi improvises a new plan to begin a grand distraction, warning loudly that the beasts are upon them! He clangs pots together to emphasize his presence while undetected Tricksy and Bizzle scramble to the roof of the building. As all the guards converge on the googly-eye witch known to his friends as Epi, Epi pretends to fight off Knit IV and Artemus while actually aiming the flasks of acid at the guards. Sorry, officer, apologizes Epi, even while peeling a patch to conjure a pair of mastiffs to attack the guards.
Tricksy and Bizzle enter the main building, unnoticed in Epi’s commotion, and follow a hall to the left. Bizzle corners a guard at the end of the south wing and, posing as a bandit, nonchalantly asks whether there’s anyone around worth kidnapping. The guard shoots arrows rather than answers so Bizzle knocks him out.
Tricksy checks out a nearby room and discovers Lady McCoy hiding in her bed chamber. Tricksy offers to kidnap any valuable hostages, but Lady McCoy regards only herself as valuable enough to kidnap. Tricksy casts silence to stop her yelling.
Outside, a man with a crossbow, Leo McCoy himself, joins the fight against Epi’s beast army. Epi warns loudly about the beasts who took his pancreas, spleen, and bones.
A horse-mounted longbow woman, Cassandra, emerges from the stables. She correctly identifies Epi as the source of all this mayhem. Epi gets filled with arrows and bolts as the archers heed Cassandra’s analysis. Epi tosses a smoke stick up on the wall to obscure two archers and tosses a fire vial between a couple of other archers, killing one and a half of them. The din of battle drowns out Rooster’s requirement for minimum bloodshed.
Bizzle and Tricksy break into another room and discover a young man, Leo McCoy, Junior. He eagerly reveals his angsty narrative. He’s been secretly sparking with brewer daughter Fedora Meadow, of recent kidnap fame. But then Cassandra caught them meeting in the woods and now both Fedora and Junior have been incarcerated by Leo. Bizzle offers to selflessly put their bandit looting on hold to rescue the lovelorn pair if Junior happens to know where she’s being held. He does.
Epi kills Cassandra’s horse with acid and then summons a horse of his own. A good little kick gets the horse running into the house, because why not do that. Epi eats a salvage bar while admiring his handiwork. Leo decommissions Artemus.
Junior leads Tricksy and Bizzle toward the north wing of the house past a couple of guards, Stan and Fran. Bizzle explains to the guards that he and the kobold are Grizzle and Ducky, freelance bandits here to kidnap Fedora for some money. Stan and Fran beat on Bizzle. Fran breaks his sword and wanders off to requisition a replacement. Stan antagonistically follows Bizzle to where Junior is unsuccessfully trying to kick down a locked door. Bizzle hands some choice picks to Tricksy and she picks the lock. Fedora and Junior are happily reunited, if not under ideal circumstances.
Epi’s menagerie has the situation outside suitably roiling so Epi slips into the main building through a side door. Cassandra follows, swinging a scimitar and a dagger. Epi tosses a tanglefoot at Cassandra’s feet and a raspberry at her ego. She throws her dagger into Epi’s backside. Epi’s progress is cut off by Leo who dashed in through the main door. Epi jogs around Leo and points his crossbow at Lady McCoy. Epi and Leo, now both standing in Tricksy’s silence, endeavor to negotiate with exaggerated mouthing and gesticulating.
The only thing standing in love’s way between Fedora and Junior now is Stan. Bizzle tries to shove Stan over a couch, but only pushes himself down. Tricksy adds a handful of ball bearings to the mix and both Fedora and Junior go posteriors over tea kettles. Stan tries to mince prone Bizzle but misses. Bizzle gets up and follows Fedora out. Tricksy shortbows Stan to death.
Tricksy runs along the ceiling while Knit IV sutures both of Cassandra’s eyes shut. Cassandra kills herself trying to cut open her eyes. This fatality does not count against the mission total.
Epi marches Lady McCoy out of the silent room at the point of his crossbow. Let us go free or the wife gets it, he demands of Leo. Epi is grappled by the guard and Leo shoots his crossbow into Epi. Epi spellastically reduces Leo’s crossbow into a hand crossbow. Leo fires the reduced bolt, but his other bolts no longer fit. Epi throws acid over his shoulder onto his grappler until he dies.
Two guards block Fedora and Junior from escaping the building. Tricksy drops one and Bizzle the other. Fedora and Junior run out. Leo pursues. Bizzle grapples Leo and explains that Junior hired them, the bandits, to facilitate their escape and Bizzle can’t allow Leo to interfere. Leo breaks free and stabs Fedora. She collapses. Junior swipes Tricksy’s rapier and stabs his father. Bizzle knocks Leo out. Tricksy feeds a healing potion to Fedora. Bizzle leaves a potion next to Leo, just in case Lady McCoy wants to revive her husby.
Junior is intent on riding out on horses, but that would attract the attention of treants. Knit IV blinds the remaining horses and the team escapes the McCoy compound with mission objective Fedora Meadow.
The three hours of travel back to the LARVAAA passes without incident. Bizzle makes a case to his coworkers that maybe love should conquer all, that maybe they should release Fedora and Junior. A quick read of the contract indicates no such provision. Mission first. Fedora and Junior are bound with mithril binding to prevent escape.
Fedora is returned to Helmet Meadow. Helmet is outraged by her mithril confinement, unaware of her affections for Junior and her resulting flight risk.
Junior is left in the nearby town, more or less at his choice, to pursue his own destiny, with or without Fedora.