PROLOGUE
Rooster stood in front of the gathered agents. “Alright you ninnies, Nanny was an agent in good standing, and she died in the line of duty, in fact she was critical to the accomplishment of the mission, saving Moonwreath, and the bonus acquisition of our new G.U.G.G.R.N.A.U.T. Nanorna Hysteresis Postholder gets the full treatment.”
Grunts of affirmation came from the those gathered. “Settle down, we need the formal reading of her FINAL PAYMENT…” Rooster pulled out a device that looked like an ear horn, but instead of a small opening, there appeared to be a small glass bead at the narrow end. Rooster unfurled Nanny’s final payment, then pressed the bead to the paper and began slowly tracing the words on the page…
When there are no word’s left on the page, Rooster pulls out four other scrolls labelled
“The funeral rites of the Druids of Tall Trees – Stage 1”
“The funeral rites of the Druids of Tall Trees – Stage 2”
“The funeral rites of the Druids of Tall Trees – Stage 3”
“The funeral rites of the Druids of Tall Trees – Stage 4, Conveyance to Nature”
“Nanny’s remains are in this sack” and Rooster holds forth the cleanest potato sack you have ever seen, “and your supplies are in this sack.” and Rooster holds forth another pristinely fresh potato sack, and one more pristine empty sack. “Go get some mules and head out to High Forest. You’ll all get full share funeral pay if you make it back”
“Make it back? This job sounds like cake compared to Stinky’s burial.” Says Bizzle.
“And why Mules?” quips Beard, “Why not a F.A.N.G.G.? or a P.T.A.T.A? or a B.A.D.G.R?!?!?”
“Don’t get too confident, the druids of high forest are long dead, that section of the forest is overgrown and who knows what is there now. I think the book she got the ritual from is centuries old, but she never realized it… I guess she obfuscated the truth from herself. Mules will get through easier than any vehicles we got, and likely disturb the surroundings the least.”
Unbeknowst to yourselves, four of you have stepped forward and accepted the mission without being called. You are Nanny’s guard, you will deposit her final payment.
Stage 1 – Autumn
Wan that April with the shor-es sotta, you find tall trees that are really high-ya,
Bying sure the birds doth poopeth in this one, climb up a third and jump up and down-ya,
The autumn shall come and the leaves fall, when the deceased they weigh, gather all.
Stage 2 – Introspectation
To the halfway mark go, then seek the balance,
sing the songs, and speak the parlance,
Share their song, and stories, and tales, then send the leaves forth like sails
Stage 3 – Fruitful Future
Doth not think only of thine friend, think of thy else critters, and climb up again,
Nature’s bounty provides, the wheel turneth on, and on, and on, and on some more,
Cast the best high, in equal weight, share it with all, even those thy hate.
Stage 4 – Conveyance to Nature
Even in death, Fly like the birdseth,
join with the eagles, even in death thine value isn’t meagle,
Be food for their wings, their young, and their talons.
You hear Nanny’s voice coming from the horn…
To whomever is listening to this, hopefully it is my fellow agents, and not a bunch of intruders who ransacked the Warren and stole this note. If that is the case, then I’m most likely not dead, and I will get you… or the rest of R&S will get you… and we will soon get our revenge, so your best course of action would be to return this last will and testament to the Warren, or any contingent of R&S agents you can find along with a letter of apology and excessive amount of groveling. If you choose to keep this note despite my warning, beware!
However it is more likely that I really am dead, and you’re probably trying to figure out what to do with my corpse, assuming there is some amount of remains that can be disposed of. Although I don’t really mean dispose, in the sense of throwing something away, I mean dispose as in “disposition”, in that something needs to be done, and while some agents might wish to be treated like garbage, that is not my choice, so please do not put me in the garbage.
While I am was a private person, especially when I was stealing things, picking locks, shooting from cover, or just skulking around, I was also spiritually obfuscational. You probably did not know that I had great reverence for Meilikki, and most of the time, I hid it from myself as well. But when I sat down to write this, I realized the devotion I had…. Or maybe this is all part of some mind control left over from a previous experience that I can’t remember. Mind control or not, I think be buried as a follower of Meilikki sound’s pretty good.
I don’t know whether I died young, or old, whether I was poisoned or incinerated, whether I was quartered by orcs, or ground in a flour mill, whether I was eaten by aunts, or I choked while eating whale blubber trying not freeze in the frozen north, or something Craig did, but it was most likely one of these… or not… or not not if I’m not really dead and again this is a thief reading a thief’s final wishes. Where was I…. oh yeah…
For my final resting place, I would like my remains taken to the High Forest, specifically the section of the forest known as high trees. The Druids of Tall Trees have a beautiful burial ritual culminating with a return to the forest at the tree top in an eagle’s nest. I have provided the ritual in incremental form so that it is easier to follow. Just follow the steps when you get to Tall Trees, and make sure the tree has an eagle’s nest. Please preserve my remains for freshness, and don’t forget to grab the 50 lb bag of cratatoes.
Mission first,
“Nanny”
LOGUE
Rooster reads Nanny’s final requests, a surprisingly complex Mielikki druidic ritual involving some tall trees and eagles. Nanny knows her friends well enough to emphasize this ritual specifically excludes the nearest R&S garbage can. So it’s off to the high trees of the high forest on mules loaded with a fifty pound bag of Nanny, a fifty pound bag of cratatoes, and an empty bag destined for fifty pounds of something inconvenient to execute the four stages of Nanny’s funeral rite.
Of the present company, Bizzle probably knew Nanny best so he bears her remains. Dirigible sailor Rambles Waverider, a half elf whose other half is missing for reasons unelaborated, hoists the bag of cratatoes. Rambles is a longstanding friend of Nanny, although they had not had the opportunity to work together much over the last twenty-five years. Kobold trickster Tricksy, recently transferred to the home office to assume Nanny’s contracts, assumes possession of the empty bag. Forgetful human pyromancer Gnome might have dated Nanny in high school. He needs both hands free for the evoking of fire from one jar and the application of griffon grease from a second jar. How did this high school romance not endure?
The procession proceeds to an ancient forest, historically vacated by elves and by druids. Rambles, from his experience with all things natural, declares this is the correct location. Bizzle scales a tree with ease but his perception is clouded by a spider web in the tops. Gnome pops a glass eye into his mouth. Tricksy walks up a tree, courtesy of her cloak of arachnida which actually loves spider webs and points out the tallest trees she can see. Rambles leads them on to the high trees and reads the first task.
Bizzle sniffs out the eagle waste to an eighty foot tree. Bizzle hears unintelligible whispering from the tree. Rambles hears clear elvish plans for eating from an unintelligible direction. Diplomatic Gnome puts it all together and steps forward to parlay with KK Girl Missus about their appetites and potential incineration. They fortunately understand none of that. Gnome breaks out a masterful shadow puppet that communicates his desire to be friends and to satisfy any snack time needs. Tricksy spots three pairs of female dryad eyes peeking from the trees, assessing the group members being offered as snacks by the shadow puppet. Todd is summoned. Rambles attempts to clarify in elvish that they aren’t food, they are a funeral procession. Nevertheless, Todd the owlbear is already rustling through the bushes and heading for the mules.
Nanny’s wishes mention nothing about nourishing an owlbear so Bizzle jams the Nanny bag into his greycoat bag of holding and slides off the mule, putting it between him and the owlbear. Tricksy can’t guess who is about to eat what. Gnome makes shadow puppets while Rambles hands out goodberries to the dryads and Todd helps himself to one mule.
The dryads and Todd are satisfied by the offerings for now so Bizzle starts climbing the tree in accordance with the first passage. He bounces on the lower branches freeing green leaves which Tricksy gathers into the empty bag. Gnome’s mage hand shakes out what Bizzle misses. It’s going smoothly until bouncing Bizzle attracts the ire of a few swarms of bees hiving in the tree trunk.
Here is Gnome’s opportunity to shine. He holds up his fire jar and shines four scorching rays at the bee swarms. Many bees are wiped out and the tree is ignited. A pair of displeased dryads pop out of the burning tree and assault Gnome. Tricksy hucks water bombs at the fire to stop its spread while Rambles makes it rain, he makes it rain on them foes, and extinguishes the flames.
Rambles attempts to explain Gnome’s actions to the dryads while they restrain Gnome with vines. Two dryads tag in and begin pummeling Gnome with shillelaghs. Rambles’ pleas are undermined by Gnome releasing more scorching rays at bee swarm reinforcements and directly at the dryads. When the dryads persist in the beatings, Gnome escalates to a cone of sorcery-amplified fire which incinerates a dryad and ignites the forest floor. A dryad begins to charm Gnome’s mule into carrying Gnome away, but Gnome counters the spell before the enchantment even leaves the dryad’s antagonistic mouth.
Conflicted Rambles casts hold person on Gnome in an attempt to deescalate the situation. Tricksy gets on board, sending suture fly Knit to suture up Gnome’s fire evoking mouth. Meanwhile bee-dodging Bizzle and Tricksy have collected fifty pounds of leaves, hopefully in accordance with funeral rites stage the first.
Rambles is busy persuading the dryads to forgive and forget their still-burning comrade so Tricksy reads the next task.
Bizzle and Tricksy ascend the tree, leaving the bees behind. An excitable shouting dryad joins them. Tricksy offers the universal gesture for, we come in peace. The dryad seems to not appreciate the irony.
Rambles beats out the flames with cloak and rain. Gnome becomes occupied with cutting away sutures even as Knit sutures the sutures faster than Gnome can cut them. Rambles capitalizes on the momentary peace to explain their mission of offering druid high tree funeral rites to their fallen friend. The dryads think this is so funny they forget all about their vengeance and return to their tree.
The fractious party gathers on the forty foot level in the tree to eulogize Nanny. Rambles fondly recalls their friendship of old. Gnome tries to recall whether they dated in high school, despite Nanny having no hair. Bizzle recalls some molasses-based practical jokes. Tricksy shares her admiration for Nanny’s enviable prowess at the sneak attack.
Tricksy shakes out the gathered leaves and reads the next task.
Tricksy walks up to the specified level. Gnome elects to have Tricksy haul him up by rope and pulleys, but considerately reduces his coefficient of friction with a schmear of griffon grease. Tricksy also pulls Rambles up while she ponders the poetic requirement of the third verse. Proud Bizzle declines assistance from Tricksy and instead plummets sixty feet to the ground when he misses a branch. He unsteadily makes his way back to the top. Gnome summons his pet roach to clean his face while waiting.
Rambles distributes the fifty cratatoes and each of them tosses his share of cratatoes high into the air in accordance with Rambles’ interpretation of the verse. Dryads cheer and there is great munching.
Gnome botches a throw and a single cratato falls uncelebrated. Gnome feels responsible and free falls out of the tree to retrieve the errant cratato. The ground beats him unconscious.
While dying, Gnome receives a visit from the spirit of Nanny who slaps his greasy face and chastises him for his recklessness.
Rambles takes eagle form and swoops down. He drops his last goodberry into Gnome’s bloody mouth and cures his wounds. He flies the final cratato up to Bizzle who enthusiastically tosses it up.
Tricksy reads the final task.
Tricksy ascends to the highest top of the tree where an enormous eagle nest hosts several baby eagles, recently and inexplicably pummeled by a hail of cratatoes from below. She soothes the babies while the maternal shadow of a giant eagle passes across her. Tricksy holds up the bag of Nanny meat as an offering, but it just looks like a bag to the eagles.
Injured Gnome begins his long and perilous ascent. Bizzle dodges the pecking baby eagles. Rambles eats a salvage bar to return to eagle form so he can explain to the eagles that they have journeyed far to offer a delicacy of cubed Nanny in accordance with the tall tree ritual rites. Tricksy empties out the Nanny and giblets into the nest. The baby eagles are interested, but pause at their mother’s caution. Why should she trust this Nanny meat isn’t poisoned? Because Mielikki, that’s why. That’s good enough for mother eagle and the disgusting circle of life continues.
Gnome, seeing he missed the grand finale, drops to the ground from thirty feet up and the ground knocks him out again. Tricksy walks down, Rambles flies down, and Bizzle swings down, acrobatically sticking the landing right above Gnome. Bizzle gets out his plan B and waits, hovering over Gnome. Gnome stabilizes on his own.
The group throws unconscious Gnome over the back of his mule which Rambles pilots back. They return to R&S headquarters without the benefit of Gnome’s fiery outbursts.