Rooster sweeps into the Ransom & Salvage warren breakroom to announce a code red and a priority two mission. Stitches, Nanny, Strings, and Bizzle quickly establish that code red is synonymous with priority two so in fact there is only one mission.
This time it seems a rogue dungeon dwelling wizard is mixed up with golems. The mission requires the team to determine the wizard’s motives and alliances, and mixing it up is authorized if things go south. The ongoing secondary mission to collect shards of the blood emerald remains in effect.
The BURPS (Big Uranium Redstone Powered Ship) delivers the team right to the dungeon entrance where two exploded rock golems no longer stand guard. Lacking any door, sign, or other restrictive social contract, Bizzle strolls right in across the fastidiously clean floor and up to one of four statues lining the foyer. It comes to life.
The four statues, golems all, order the party to halt, they can go no further, the master commands it. Strings inquires as to the identity and class features of this so-called master. The golems, though not forthcoming with that information, offer, nay insist, to escort the adventurers to the master. Bizzle tries triggering a logical error in the golems by pointing out that it is hardly possible to go no further AND be escorted in, but the golems catch the exception and demand to escort the party away from the dungeon.
The golems move out of their alcoves and crowd the adventurers intimidatingly, but the dedicated R&S operatives do not fade. Violence breaks out when the golems attempt to physically remove them.
Strings inspires the team by viciously mocking the golems. Stitches warhammers on a duo, one with purple trim and the other with yellow trim. At first she hates the purple one more, but then the yellow one picks her up by her feet and deposits her outside the dungeon. Bizzle’s scimitars break a third golem until Sinistra flies from his grip and sticks into a column on the other side of the room. Nanny sneaks attacks on the fourth but nearly loses her wedding ring and the attached finger before crumbling the construct.
The golems make use of shields that fire crossbow bolts from the center, an ingenious design but insufficient to resist the withering R&S assault. With two golems decommissioned, Stitches’s purple nemesis removes a stone in the wall and presses a concealed button; an alarm bell can be heard in the distance.
Nanny crumbles Stitches’s yellow nemesis and Bizzle knocks out her bell-ringing purple nemesis. Nothing imminently terrible happens as a consequence of the bell ringing so the party rests outside the dungeon for an hour.
As the party gathers itself to press on into the dungeon depths, fast moving service golems clean up the destroyed battle golems and gather usable parts into bags. Nanny snags a bag from its service golem who struggles momentarily to maintain its grip, but then they speed off into the dungeon.
The party, struggling to keep up, follows the service golems to an assembly or reassembly room where a microfactory reintegrates the recovered parts back into golems. Each is provisioned with a crystal, dipped in blueness, and sent down the hall to a training room where they crossbow practice dummies. At this rate of production, it seems like there may be a sizeable trained and equipped golem force nearby.
Strings, mindful of the mission to locate the wonderful wizard, and equally mindful of the necessarily magical character of said wizard, casts detect magic and the party continues to casually scout around the facility, happily ignored by its animated populace.
Although his spell detects no magic, Strings’s ear detects conversation on the other side of a door. Snipets regarding golems, the blood emerald, and alliances suggests this is the correct door to find. Nanny uses her adept skills to make safe and unlock the untrapped, unlocked door. The talking ceases.
Strings disguises the small party as small service golems. Stitches takes the role of supervisor as indicated by red piping. They grab Clorox® Disinfecting Wipes from a dispenser station in the hall and confidently enter the room. Stitches dances the supervisor jig while the others feign deep cleaning.
The conversationalists are, unsurprisingly, Craig the Insidious Lich, DBA Destroyer & Co., and the golem training wizard who chides the “service golems” for being late. The ruse gives the R&S operatives access to the private conversation from which they learn that Craig is demanding the blood emerald. The wizard retorts he needs it for the ongoing golem program. As a timely demonstration, a thirty-strong squad of uber golems enters at that moment, dashing any possibility of overwhelming Craig.
Craig allows that the golem army would be most useful, but that 1000gp for each is laughably exorbitant for a non-golden lich and his counter offer of nothing at all with free shipping is accepted by the wizard.
With a sly look, the wizard demands all golems must leave. The “service golems” usher out the battle golems but never quite make it out of the room themselves, having need to clean up after the messy departure. The supervisor dances. The wizard overlooks this disobedience in his excitement to reveal to Craig his secret golem project: Nesus Alive.
Suppressing his enthusiasm, Craig wonders whether that dancing “service golem” has malfunctioned? The wizard reiterates his order for the service golems to leave. Instead, the disguised party members begin feigning various malfunctions while the wizard yells, “Pickles!” over and over.
Bizzle and Nanny share a knowing glance, reckoning the ruse has run its course if not a fair bit further. His scimitars and her short swords go to work on Craig, but Craig once more demonstrates his uncanny anticipation of the unexpected as a trap door opens and he climbs into the back of the large, emerging golem of black iron, splendidly replete with a fiery skin and pulsing blood emerald shard in its chestpiece.
As if that isn’t surprising enough, R&S specialist Thumper, astride Monty, springs from deep concealment in that very room and charges the Craig golem with his lance and puts an offhand crossbow bolt into the golem’s eye, “Ha HA!” There is no time to wonder how long Thumper had lain in ambush for that moment.
Stitches hits the golem just right with her warhammer to paralyze it giving Thumper, Bizzle, and Nanny an easy target. Strings heats the golem’s metal skin cooking Craig like an unholy roast. Craig starts to regain control of the construct but Stitches again stuns the contraption and knocks it over.
Craig, unable to reboot the golem with his goose cooking, regains his composure and begins throwing counterspells against Strings’s attempts to heat and bane him and the golem he rode in. Satisfied with tying up Craig’s attention while his martial companions beat on the golem, Strings throws around more inspiration.
The wizard, seeing his best customer in trouble, summons a couple of golems to assist and they pound Strings unconscious. Stitches rescues Strings with some deep healing from Moradin while Thumper intercepts the two additions. It works, sort of, as the two golems turn their crossbowing shields on Monty. Strings intercedes to help Monty fend off harm, but it’s a nasty attack.
While Thumper, Stitches, and Strings manage the wizard’s golem additions, Bizzle and Nanny keep pressure on the stricken Craig golem until it finally blows apart, a beam of red decimating the ceiling as the blood emerald shard levitates powerfully in the air. Nanny throws her greycoat over the shard immobilizing it to the floor.
Strings noshes his salvage bar and tries to suggestively calm the wizard, enticing him to stop making so much trouble. The wizard is unwilling and resists with his own countermagic.
Craig, now exposed, lashes out ineffectively with his silver / emerald convertible sword-hammer, Backstabber. Stitches casts to banish Craig but his legendary resistance prevents the effect. Nanny strikes at Craig’s ability to resist effects and Strings rapid-fires bane through the counterspells until it lands.
Craig’s mage hand fetches Nanny’s greycoat wrapping the shard. He insidiously sends eleven magic missiles into Stitches along with a crossbow bolt from the wizard’s golem and she’s barely clinging to life. Thumper attempts to cure her wounds but Craig insidiously counters the spells.
Craig’s mistake is subtle but important to Stitches as she times her next banishment such that Craig can’t react while he’s occupied countering the healing spell. Poof! Craig finds himself in pandamonium or some other miserable plane of existence. His dispelled mage hand drops Nanny’s coat into her waiting arms along with the shard. Nanny finishes off the last remaining golem.
Strings softens up the wizard’s obstinance and everyone pleads with him not to deal with Craig who won’t even pay him for the golems. These advanced business concepts of profit are quite foreign to the wizard, whose name is finally known as Returrac, but eventually he is convinced to take an hour away from the factory to chat with R&S’s business consulting experts about a better future. Returrac agrees to the meeting in principle and Bizzle seizes upon his momentary willingness to teleport him directly to R&S.
Stitches checks her countdown timer on the banishment spell and urges prompt departure to the BURPS.
Craig pops back into the empty room.