Category: Ransom and Salvage

Rooster ambles in with a mission of such low priority that no one has yet designated its priority color or numeral. Epi Glottis has been working on some applications for the blood emerald compass, ready for field testing, and he needs some personal protection. Since Bizzle and Slick overslept due to faulty alarm weasels when everyone else got dispatched earlier, this is their mission.

Epi guides the TURTLE (Train Of Regional Transport, Ox-Impelled Services Extender) towards a forest in Blamboof. In a couple of hours they find themselves loitering around some ruins where Epi gets a reading off the downward-indicating compass. Epi’s mechanical therapy cat, Artemus, goes to work digging for blood emerald shards inside the ruined walls of an old, fortified tower.

Three angry war horns interrupt the sound of easy money. Epi summons some expendable helpers from the TURTLE. Bizzle mans a fortuitously placed siege flame cannon with a little help from expendable Pyle who must pump together the oil / oxygen mixture. Expendable Keyop scales a tree ready to send out magic missiles to any approaching aggressors. Expendables Peika and Dod hang around with sneaky Slick, ready to provide distractions for her sneaking.

In ten minutes, the shard recovery team is surrounded by two hoards of orcs and a flange of ghouls. Bizzle and Slick sweep the orcs with gouts from the flame cannon. They take out a couple of Orogs, but by no means creating a local shortage of the brutes. A few Red Fangs of Shargaas appear around Epi. Shouts of, For Craig! rise above the din, giving a name to the menace as though the R&S operatives wouldn’t recognize the insidious handiwork of their nemesis, Craig the Insidious Lich & Co., LLC.

Craig’s OIC (Orc In Charge), Singular Sam, calls for unconditional and immediate surrender. In response, Slick decapitates an Orog. She looks up. Tiny dots in the sky grow larger as a murder of kenku descend on the battle. Beaky One! Beaky Two! Beaky Three! The noise is unbearable but gets much worse when a recorded message from Craig plays.

“Hello, Bizzle, Nanny, Beard, and others–”

“Nanny died,” interrupts Bizzle. The message starts over.

“Hello, Bizzle, Nanny, Beard, and others. This is Craig the Insidious Lich and Company (and Birt!). This is a prerecorded message. Surrender and hand over the blood emerald shards! I really need those to complete my colossus. No no, don’t record that part. How do I turn this thing–”

The orcs and ghouls, and now kenku, crush in around the flame cannon. Bizzle yells for the team to take cover and Pyle pew-pew-pews magic missiles into the flame cannon’s fuel tank. A massive fireball vaporizes nearly all of Craig’s armies while the R&S operatives shelter behind ruin walls or sprint out of range. Their elation at somehow surviving the explosion is interrupted by the thud of advanced metallurgy stomping across the smoldering ground.

Craig has constructed a massive exo-contraption with far too many piston-powered arms. Two of those arms launch green fireballs at Bizzle, Keyop, and Pyle. Pyle collapses, life oozing out in wisps of green smoke. Another two insidiously reaching arms produce longswords as Craig the Insidious Construct charges Bizzle.

All the remaining orcs are distracted by Craig’s insidious show of violence, and they stop to cheer him on. Slick, Peika, and Dod take advantage of the distraction to sneak destruction upon the orcs, thinning them out one by one. Keyop drags Pyle back to the sheltering ruins where Epi estimates another 36 seconds of digging before Artemus recovers the blood emerald shards. Bizzle fights Craig the Insidious Contraption, keeping Craig’s attention away from Epi, and scrambles over the ruin walls to keep Craig moving. Keyop draws Craig the opposite direction and gets knocked out giving Bizzle enough time to take a salvage bar / health potion smoothie.

Slick and team have created enough havoc that Singular Sam stops cheering for Craig and calls for a regroup to fight Slick. Singular Sam knocks out orc-surrounded Slick. Dod forces a salvage bar in her mouth, but now he’s knocked out.

Epi and Artemus finally recover the blood emerald shards. Artemus gathers up Pyle. Slick disengages from Singular Sam and drags Dod back to where Epi is tending to Keyop. Grappled Bizzle can’t run away from Craig the Insidious Contraption, but Craig does him a solid by hurling Bizzle through two solid walls and into the solid trunk of a solid tree where Bizzle falls twenty feet to the solid ground. Epi uses his OnStone service to remotely dispatch the TURTLE back to HQ. The moment his friends are all within ten feet, Bizzle activates the helm of teleportation. Smell ya later!

The team teleports victoriously atop Roosters desk, the most familiar of all objects to Bizzle. Rooster falls back in his chair. Craig the Insidious Lich and Co., LLC, has yet again been thwarted by R&S and the colossus project deprived of blood emerald shards.

 

The party takes a long rest before exploring the blackening black gate.

Slick reunites with the party after guarding the liberated civilians. They have given her a cold.

Creep counts out 111 organs and 3 heads in his inventory. Hopefully it’s enough to sustain his health through the phylactery vault, not to mention Slick’s contagions. Creep dons the hat of disguise and looks just like Bizzle. He mimics Bizzle’s talking, except more zombie-like. For a terrifying moment, Bizzle suspects someone administered Plan B to him in his sleep. Creep laughs. Bazinga.

Tatters inspects the black gate. A glyph key is no longer needed, but a certain level of cleverness is. Tricksy attempts to enter but does not exhibit the requisite level of intelligence and is thrown back. Slick jams her arm in the gate and the swirling black mist becomes for gelatinous. Tatters puts his face in and takes face damage. Creep goes all in and finds himself standing in the solidifying gate. Slick tries to follow but is thrown out. Bizzle emulates Creep’s success and shuffles in zombie-like. Reality warps.

Creep and Bizzle are transported to the interior of a four sided, white marble pyramid where nonlinear gravity allows the walls to be floors. The rest of the party follows. On each of the four sides they behold three smaller white marble pyramid-shaped sepulchers with lifeless four-armed gargoyle doors. There are several white marble pedestals and a dark pool of churning darkness in the center of each side. An interactive image of Syranna appears to them and explains that they have successfully disrupted the productivity of the Doomvault. All that remains is for them to defeat the guardians and destroy the phylacteries.

Creep retrieves a pouch from his gore-splattered coat, takes a pinch of dust of dryness, and throws it into the dark pool. The dark pool dries up into a marble which Creep puts in his pocket for later. Creep gives a double thumbs up and an enthusiastic grin.

Bizzle finds the sepulcher’s gargoyle doors locked. Tricksy picks the lock. When Creep opens the doors, the four-armed gargoyles unsurprisingly animate.

Creep reaches into the sepulcher and grabs a dagger, one of several phylactery objects containing the soul of a lich. Creep stabs the dagger at a gargoyle but accidentally plunges it into Tatters instead. Some of Tatters’s life force is siphoned into Creep. Slick sneaks a couple of magical axe attacks on a gargoyle and Bizzle helps out with scimitar strikes. Down it goes. Tricksy and Tatters take out the other gargoyle.

The phylactery objects are surrounded by magic. Creep envisions a bonfire to destroy them all at once. The party gathers the objects to the center of the room and moves to the second sepulcher. Tricksy unlocks the door but this time moves out of the way before Creep opens the gargoyles. The gargoyles are defeated and the phylactery objects are gathered to the center. The third sepulcher is likewise defeated and gathered.

Creep discovers that if he hangs out near one of the white pedestals he gets blasted by radiant damage, so he doesn’t do that any more.

Bizzle and Tricksy rest while the others experiment with destruction of the pile of phylactery objects. Creep tries eldritch blast on a phylactery leather pouch but it is undamaged. Slick looks for runes to destroy since that worked on the shrines. She finds none. Creep investigates the tops of the sepulchers but finds no clues there. Tatters suspects that mental channeling may be the way to go, but the objects must be returned to their assigned sepulchers first.

Tatters collects all the party’s glyph keys for a mental boost and uses his acuity to destroy one sepulcher and its phylactery objects. That was easy enough, but he has attracted the attention of a gleaming black skull with ruby eyes and diamond teeth emerging from a vortex.

The bling bling demilich is Kazit Gul, and he’s all out of bubblegum. Tricksy’s arrows, Slick’s bolts, Tatters’s firebolts, and Creep’s witchbolts all converge on Kazit. Kazit lets out a howl that instantly drops Tricksy and Slick unconscious and frightens Tatters and Bizzle. Only Creep escapes the effects, and that’s the way he wants to keep it. He jams his pinky fingers into his ears and breaks them off, protecting him from the destructive sound. He charges at Kazit. Tatters unloads his best volley of magic missiles. Bizzle, cowering out of Kazit’s sight inside a sepulcher, regains his courage and charges Kazit. Bizzle surges extra extra extra extra scimitar attacks and slays Krazit. The skull fractures into dust and its bling falls to the floor.

Tricksy notices a peculiar glowing in the fallen diamonds, like the way a demilich’s soul glows if held in a gemstone. Creep fetches a large rock and begins smashing the gems. A soul escapes, looks around unsuccessfully for a new body, and flees.

Creep sits down to feast on some organs while Slick and Tatters brain at the remaining sepulchers. Upon destruction of the third, the vortex spews much black dust and a shower of diamonds. The other sepulchers on the other sides of the pyramid disintegrate saving all kinds of time and peril. Kazit Gul is no more.

Tricksy is ready to leave and steps into the black gate. She discovers the glyph key requirement has been reinstated and bounces unexpectedly off the black gate. Tatters, with all the keys, opens the black gate. They depart the ruined phylactery vault.

Creep is first to emerge back in the gatehouse and his appearance initially alarms waiting Syranna. Syranna certifies successful completion of the mission contract and renders the final payment of the blood emerald shard. Bizzle quickly puts the shard into his bag of holding before Craig the Insidious can show up and prolong the adventure.

Creep adjusts his hat of disguise and looks as charming as the day he walked into the Doomvault. He explains his insightful and cunning plan for the quick destruction of the phylactery in amazing detail, the sort of plan that will save time and lives. Unfortunately the hat of disguise does nothing for Creep’s ability to communicate; it all comes out as unintelligible moans and groans and halitosis.

Once condescending politeness for Creep’s disability has been served, Bizzle, grabbing the map away from Creep, goes for the door to the next shrine. No surprise, the sounds of shuffling zombies and boots await them. Tricksy unlocks the door and Creep shuffles into the room where a red wizard, deathlock wight, dread warrior, and four fellow zombies take no notice of him whatsoever. Tatters surveys some green mist hanging out around the shrine. No good mist is green like that. Tatters chooses conflict and tosses a firebolt at the red wizard. Tricksy concurs and adds an arrow. Creep makes some menacing jabs with his rapier and “accidentally” stabs a fellow zombie.

The red wizard prepares a cloud kill. Tatters counters it. The four zombies line up perfectly trying to protect their red wizard. Tricksy conjures a barrage on them and walks up to the ceiling out of revenge’s way. Creep’s shadow slips away to mess with the dread warrior’s own sense of dread. Creep adds his eldritch blast to the red wizard. Tatters gusts wind down the congo line of zombies, knocking the red wizard and the last zombie into the shrine’s field. They bounce off the shrine and fatally smash into the wall. The green mist does not dissipate.

The zombies strike at Tatters and Bizzle while the wight and warrior attempt to knock Tricksy off the ceiling with grave bolts and javelins. Bizzle walks through the line of injured zombies, piercing left and right to slay all three until he gets to the wight. Tricksy’s arrows and Creep’s blasts have the wight at undeath’s door, but it’s his dread warrior comrade who kills him with a botched javelin throw intended for Creep.

Tatters magic missiles the dread warrior and Bizzle’s scimitars finish the job, but undead fortitude stands him back up. Bizzle drops him again, but undead fortitude stands him back up. Tricksy buries an arrow in him, but undead fortitude stands him back up. Tricksy has a second arrow already in flight and the dread warrior’s fortitude undeadens him no more.

Creep harvests organs and brains, his pockets overflowing with offal. Tatters carefully loots what’s left of the red wizard and finds some bracers of defense [+2 AC when not wearing armor or using shield], a scroll of remove curse, a scroll of speak with undead, and a book of traps [based on robe of useful items, tear out a page for a trap or component].

Bizzle attacks the shrine and scratches out some of the runes before the green mist incapacitates him. Tatters disables the shrine by outsmarting it. The shrine releases a pockmarked orc, Bandagh, chosen of Yurtrus. Creep stabs Bandagh in the most humane way possible and then harvests him, carefully removing his head to preserve the brains.

The party takes a short rest while Tatters enjoys a salvage bar.

Bizzle loudly runs down the next hallway and into the next shrine room. This room features swaying vines on the floor, roots through the ceiling, and a wraith attended by three will-o’-wisps. Creep sends eldritch blasts flying left and right. Tatters follows with firebolts. Tricksy sends arrows with such force she breaks another bowstring. The wraith lifedrains Bizzle. Bizzle’s scimitars drain the wraith.

Creep shuffles heroically into position between the wisps and the wraith. Tatters concentrates magic missiles on the wraith and Bizzle’s scimitars dissipate him, leaving no protein for Creep. Creep blasts his own finger off when his spell backfires, but otherwise the wisps are worn down quickly. Tricksy discovers that moving nonleisurely through the vines causes them to entangle, but she also discovers that stabbing the vines with a rapier causes them to die.

The shrine holds a half-elf, and it does a good job of defending her from the uncharismatic adventurers. Tricksy eventually wins the shrine and releases Eira, chosen of Rillifane Rallathil. For once, a chosen is actually grateful and she agrees to join the adventure. She seems a little conflicted about something, but who isn’t?

Creep, feeling the momentum, bursts into the next shrine room with a massive witchbolt directed at the red wizard, Thay apprentice, and three yetis. The witchbolt goes terribly wrong and bounces straight at Tatters. Tatters counters the spell. Bizzle crosses the freezing room to scimitar up the red wizard standing next to one of two braziers providing a little warmth. Tricksy, safely on the hallway ceiling, sends the red wizard a couple of arrows. Eira takes on a yeti with her shillelagh. The other two yetis chose Creep and Bizzle.

Creep takes a beating from the yeti with a dash of scorching from the apprentice. Tatters and Bizzle finish off the red wizard before he can create much mischief so Tricksy helps Creep with his yeti. A terrible visage projects from Creep’s shield, frightening the apprentice and yetis. Then Creep drops a hunger of Hadar. Bizzle’s yeti isn’t covered by the hunger so Tatter’s slays it with a firebolt. Creep, unimpeded by the magical darkness, pulls Eira safely out before she gets slapped by any milky tentacles. The apprentice dies immediately and Creep keeps the yetis dancing with blasts into the hunger until they succumb.

The rest of the party bounces off the shrine trying to get in. Again it’s Tricksy who eventually wins the shrine releasing human Hefrun Arnsfirth, chosen of Auril. Hefrun goes right for Tricksy so the party quickly turns her into lunch meat for Creep.

The party plus Eira backtracks uneventfully to a shrine skipped earlier off the red room.

Creep bursts into the shrine room and points one of his remaining fingers at a large flesh golem, calling his next strike true. A red wizard cowers behind the golem, but there is no hiding from Tatters’s magic missiles. Tricksy repairs her bow, contemplating a lawsuit against the low bid contractor supplying R&S with defective bowstrings. Bizzle chases the wizard behind the shrine while Tatters plugs him with missile after missile. Creep’s eldritch blast makes the red wizard die tired. The golem becomes the focus of all the spells and sharp implements and dies well-rested.

Tricksy wins the very last shrine in the temples of extraction. The black gate behind her flickers significantly and darkens. It could be none more black. The shrine releases halfling Curran Corvalin. Curran claims no deity, making him the Doomvault’s first and only chosen of agnosticism. He won’t fight for his own freedom. Nor can Bizzle entice him through the black gate. Creep declines to eat him. Curran appears entirely useless.

Rooster has a triple-A mission to rescue one Fedora Meadow, daughter of brewer’s guild mogul Helmet Meadow, from the clutches of fletcher guild mogul Leo McCoy and family.

According to the map Rooster hands to Tricksy, the rescue will take the nimble extraction team of Tricksy, Epi Glottis, and Bizzle into the misty forest to the McCoy family compound. The PHRT remains drydocked from recent damage so today’s whimsical gnomish transport will be Epi’s latest masterpiece, the LARVAAA.

The LARVAAA arrives at a discrete distance from the compound at a discrete hour of the night. The team disembarks in typical fashion from Epi’s conveyances: out the butt.

Tricksy, who regards forests as one of her favorite terrains, directs their progress to a small trail headed for the compound, away from the main road traders use. Epi makes use of a spyglass to spot some broken twigs indicating recent passage. Bizzle borrows Epi’s belt of awesomeness to investigate the twigs for evidence of kidnapping and distinctly hears a voice, “Sounds like a damsel in distress, better hurry!” For all its disembodiment, the voice isn’t wrong. Epi produces a twenty-four foot ladder from a patch off his robe of useful items and climbs the tree for a better view. He hears rustling below. Epi’s mechanical servant, defender, and therapy cat, Artemus, circles around. Tricksy notices a very sneaky treant grappling at her from behind and she evades its grasp. The treant fusses in a couple of unrecognized languages. Another voice warns Bizzle that the treant means what it says.

The treant queries, in common this time, why this group of children, as Epi proposes for the gnomes, would be off the main road? Tricksy introduces herself and asks whether the nice treant has seen their lost friend, a human girl. Bizzle offers to return to the main road if the treant indicates the way. The treant doesn’t like all these fast talking flesh bags, especially the one with the name Tricksy, and ponders consulting with master Bones.

Epi retrieves a smoke stick from his bag and tosses it at treant’s feet. The trespassers cheese it while the treant, blinded by the smoke screen, makes a loud booming call.

The team has no difficulty reuniting out of the smoke cloud and easily shaking any pursuers. In her haste Tricksy steps into a sticky trap. Epi could fashion a universal solvent, but it would take too long. Tricksy retrieves a flask of oil and Epi helps her dowse her clothing and boots to free them. After that close call, the party moves more cautiously through the misty forest and arrives at the compound without further incident.

The McCoy compound has but one visible entrance and it is guarded by two distracted guards. The team sneaks through the trees toward the back corner where Tricksy can pull them up to the rooftops. The guards spot Epi’s giant head and order him to halt. Tricksy’s suture fly, Knit IV, zips out of the woods and sews up both guards’ mouths as they try to yell a warning. They run back into the compound and ring a warning bell.

Epi improvises a new plan to begin a grand distraction, warning loudly that the beasts are upon them! He clangs pots together to emphasize his presence while undetected Tricksy and Bizzle scramble to the roof of the building. As all the guards converge on the googly-eye witch known to his friends as Epi, Epi pretends to fight off Knit IV and Artemus while actually aiming the  flasks of acid at the guards. Sorry, officer, apologizes Epi, even while peeling a patch to conjure a pair of mastiffs to attack the guards.

Tricksy and Bizzle enter the main building, unnoticed in Epi’s commotion, and follow a hall to the left. Bizzle corners a guard at the end of the south wing and, posing as a bandit, nonchalantly asks whether there’s anyone around worth kidnapping. The guard shoots arrows rather than answers so Bizzle knocks him out.

Tricksy checks out a nearby room and discovers Lady McCoy hiding in her bed chamber. Tricksy offers to kidnap any valuable hostages, but Lady McCoy regards only herself as valuable enough to kidnap. Tricksy casts silence to stop her yelling.

Outside, a man with a crossbow, Leo McCoy himself, joins the fight against Epi’s beast army.  Epi warns loudly about the beasts who took his pancreas, spleen, and bones.

A horse-mounted longbow woman, Cassandra, emerges from the stables. She correctly identifies Epi as the source of all this mayhem. Epi gets filled with arrows and bolts as the archers heed Cassandra’s analysis. Epi tosses a smoke stick up on the wall to obscure two archers and tosses a fire vial between a couple of other archers, killing one and a half of them. The din of battle drowns out Rooster’s requirement for minimum bloodshed.

Bizzle and Tricksy break into another room and discover a young man, Leo McCoy, Junior. He eagerly reveals his angsty narrative. He’s been secretly sparking with brewer daughter Fedora Meadow, of recent kidnap fame. But then Cassandra caught them meeting in the woods and now both Fedora and Junior have been incarcerated by Leo. Bizzle offers to selflessly put their bandit looting on hold to rescue the lovelorn pair if Junior happens to know where she’s being held. He does.

Epi kills Cassandra’s horse with acid and then summons a horse of his own. A good little kick gets the horse running into the house, because why not do that. Epi eats a salvage bar while admiring his handiwork. Leo decommissions Artemus.

Junior leads Tricksy and Bizzle toward the north wing of the house past a couple of guards, Stan and Fran. Bizzle explains to the guards that he and the kobold are Grizzle and Ducky, freelance bandits here to kidnap Fedora for some money. Stan and Fran beat on Bizzle. Fran breaks his sword and wanders off to requisition a replacement. Stan antagonistically follows Bizzle to where Junior is unsuccessfully trying to kick down a locked door. Bizzle hands some choice picks to Tricksy and she picks the lock. Fedora and Junior are happily reunited, if not under ideal circumstances.

Epi’s menagerie has the situation outside suitably roiling so Epi slips into the main building through a side door. Cassandra follows, swinging a scimitar and a dagger. Epi tosses a tanglefoot at Cassandra’s feet and a raspberry at her ego. She throws her dagger into Epi’s backside. Epi’s progress is cut off by Leo who dashed in through the main door. Epi jogs around Leo and points his crossbow at Lady McCoy. Epi and Leo, now both standing in Tricksy’s silence, endeavor to negotiate with exaggerated mouthing and gesticulating.

The only thing standing in love’s way between Fedora and Junior now is Stan. Bizzle tries to shove Stan over a couch, but only pushes himself down. Tricksy adds a handful of ball bearings to the mix and both Fedora and Junior go posteriors over tea kettles. Stan tries to mince prone Bizzle but misses. Bizzle gets up and follows Fedora out. Tricksy shortbows Stan to death.

Tricksy runs along the ceiling while Knit IV sutures both of Cassandra’s eyes shut. Cassandra kills herself trying to cut open her eyes. This fatality does not count against the mission total.

Epi marches Lady McCoy out of the silent room at the point of his crossbow. Let us go free or the wife gets it, he demands of Leo. Epi is grappled by the guard and Leo shoots his crossbow into Epi. Epi spellastically reduces Leo’s crossbow into a hand crossbow. Leo fires the reduced bolt, but his other bolts no longer fit. Epi throws acid over his shoulder onto his grappler until he dies.

Two guards block Fedora and Junior from escaping the building. Tricksy drops one and Bizzle the other. Fedora and Junior run out. Leo pursues. Bizzle grapples Leo and explains that Junior hired them, the bandits, to facilitate their escape and Bizzle can’t allow Leo to interfere. Leo breaks free and stabs Fedora. She collapses. Junior swipes Tricksy’s rapier and stabs his father. Bizzle knocks Leo out. Tricksy feeds a healing potion to Fedora. Bizzle leaves a potion next to Leo, just in case Lady McCoy wants to revive her husby.

Junior is intent on riding out on horses, but that would attract the attention of treants. Knit IV blinds the remaining horses and the team escapes the McCoy compound with mission objective Fedora Meadow.

The three hours of travel back to the LARVAAA passes without incident. Bizzle makes a case to his coworkers that maybe love should conquer all, that maybe they should release Fedora and Junior. A quick read of the contract indicates no such provision. Mission first. Fedora and Junior are bound with mithril binding to prevent escape.

Fedora is returned to Helmet Meadow. Helmet is outraged by her mithril confinement, unaware of her affections for Junior and her resulting flight risk.

Junior is left in the nearby town, more or less at his choice, to pursue his own destiny, with or without Fedora.

PROLOGUE

Rooster stood in front of the gathered agents.  “Alright you ninnies, Nanny was an agent in good standing, and she died in the line of duty, in fact she was critical to the accomplishment of the mission, saving Moonwreath, and the bonus acquisition of our new G.U.G.G.R.N.A.U.T.  Nanorna Hysteresis Postholder gets the full treatment.”
Grunts of affirmation came from the those gathered.  “Settle down, we need the formal reading of her FINAL PAYMENT…” Rooster pulled out a device that looked like an ear horn, but instead of a small opening, there appeared to be a small glass bead at the narrow end.  Rooster unfurled Nanny’s final payment, then pressed the bead to the paper and began slowly tracing the words on the page…

When there are no word’s left on the page, Rooster pulls out four other scrolls labelled
“The funeral rites of the Druids of Tall Trees – Stage 1”
“The funeral rites of the Druids of Tall Trees – Stage 2”
“The funeral rites of the Druids of Tall Trees – Stage 3”
“The funeral rites of the Druids of Tall Trees – Stage 4, Conveyance to Nature”
“Nanny’s remains are in this sack” and Rooster holds forth the cleanest potato sack you have ever seen, “and your supplies are in this sack.” and Rooster holds forth another pristinely fresh potato sack, and one more pristine empty sack.  “Go get some mules and head out to High Forest. You’ll all get full share funeral pay if you make it back”
“Make it back? This job sounds like cake compared to Stinky’s burial.” Says Bizzle.
“And why Mules?” quips Beard, “Why not a F.A.N.G.G.? or a P.T.A.T.A?  or a B.A.D.G.R?!?!?”
“Don’t get too confident, the druids of high forest are long dead, that section of the forest is overgrown and who knows what is there now.  I think the book she got the ritual from is centuries old, but she never realized it… I guess she obfuscated the truth from herself.  Mules will get through easier than any vehicles we got, and likely disturb the surroundings the least.”
Unbeknowst to yourselves, four of you have stepped forward and accepted the mission without being called.  You are Nanny’s guard, you will deposit her final payment.

Stage 1 – Autumn
Wan that April with the shor-es sotta, you find tall trees that are really high-ya,
Bying sure the birds doth poopeth in this one, climb up a third and jump up and down-ya,
The autumn shall come and the leaves fall, when the deceased they weigh, gather all.

Stage 2 – Introspectation
To the halfway mark go, then seek the balance,
sing the songs, and speak the parlance,
Share their song, and stories, and tales, then send the leaves forth like sails

Stage 3 – Fruitful Future
Doth not think only of thine friend, think of thy else critters, and climb up again,
Nature’s bounty provides, the wheel turneth on, and on, and on, and on some more,
Cast the best high, in equal weight, share it with all, even those thy hate.

Stage 4 – Conveyance to Nature
Even in death, Fly like the birdseth,
join with the eagles, even in death thine value isn’t meagle,
Be food for their wings, their young, and their talons.

You hear Nanny’s voice coming from the horn…
To whomever is listening to this, hopefully it is my fellow agents, and not a bunch of intruders who ransacked the Warren and stole this note.  If that is the case, then I’m most likely not dead, and I will get you… or the rest of R&S will get you… and we will soon get our revenge, so your best course of action would be to return this last will and testament to the Warren, or any contingent of R&S agents you can find along with a letter of apology and excessive amount of groveling.  If you choose to keep this note despite my warning, beware!  
However it is more likely that I really am dead, and you’re probably trying to figure out what to do with my corpse, assuming there is some amount of remains that can be disposed of.  Although I don’t really mean dispose, in the sense of throwing something away, I mean dispose as in “disposition”, in that something needs to be done, and while some agents might wish to be treated like garbage, that is not my choice, so please do not put me in the garbage.
While I am was a private person, especially when I was stealing things, picking locks, shooting from cover, or just skulking around, I was also spiritually obfuscational.  You probably did not know that I had great reverence for Meilikki, and most of the time, I hid it from myself as well.  But when I sat down to write this, I realized the devotion I had…. Or maybe this is all part of some mind control left over from a previous experience that I can’t remember.  Mind control or not, I think be buried as a follower of Meilikki sound’s pretty good.
I don’t know whether I died young, or old, whether I was poisoned or incinerated, whether I was quartered by orcs, or ground in a flour mill, whether I was eaten by aunts, or I choked while eating whale blubber trying not freeze in the frozen north, or something Craig did, but it was most likely one of these… or not… or not not if I’m not really dead and again this is a thief reading a thief’s final wishes.  Where was I…. oh yeah…
For my final resting place, I would like my remains taken to the High Forest, specifically the section of the forest known as high trees.   The Druids of Tall Trees have a beautiful burial ritual culminating with a return to the forest at the tree top in an eagle’s nest.  I have provided the ritual in incremental form so that it is easier to follow.  Just follow the steps when you get to Tall Trees, and make sure the tree has an eagle’s nest.  Please preserve my remains for freshness, and don’t forget to grab the 50 lb bag of cratatoes.
Mission first,
“Nanny”

LOGUE

Rooster reads Nanny’s final requests, a surprisingly complex Mielikki druidic ritual involving some tall trees and eagles. Nanny knows her friends well enough to emphasize this ritual specifically excludes the nearest R&S garbage can. So it’s off to the high trees of the high forest on mules loaded with a fifty pound bag of Nanny, a fifty pound bag of cratatoes, and an empty bag destined for fifty pounds of something inconvenient to execute the four stages of Nanny’s funeral rite.

Of the present company, Bizzle probably knew Nanny best so he bears her remains. Dirigible sailor Rambles Waverider, a half elf whose other half is missing for reasons unelaborated, hoists the bag of cratatoes. Rambles is a longstanding friend of Nanny, although they had not had the opportunity to work together much over the last twenty-five years. Kobold trickster Tricksy, recently transferred to the home office to assume Nanny’s contracts, assumes possession of the empty bag. Forgetful human pyromancer Gnome might have dated Nanny in high school. He needs both hands free for the evoking of fire from one jar and the application of griffon grease from a second jar. How did this high school romance not endure?

The procession proceeds to an ancient forest, historically vacated by elves and by druids. Rambles, from his experience with all things natural, declares this is the correct location. Bizzle scales a tree with ease but his perception is clouded by a spider web in the tops. Gnome pops a glass eye into his mouth. Tricksy walks up a tree, courtesy of her cloak of arachnida which actually loves spider webs and points out the tallest trees she can see. Rambles leads them on to the high trees and reads the first task.

Bizzle sniffs out the eagle waste to an eighty foot tree. Bizzle hears unintelligible whispering from the tree. Rambles hears clear elvish plans for eating from an unintelligible direction. Diplomatic Gnome puts it all together and steps forward to parlay with KK Girl Missus about their appetites and potential incineration. They fortunately understand none of that. Gnome breaks out a masterful shadow puppet that communicates his desire to be friends and to satisfy any snack time needs. Tricksy spots three pairs of female dryad eyes peeking from the trees, assessing the group members being offered as snacks by the shadow puppet. Todd is summoned. Rambles attempts to clarify in elvish that they aren’t food, they are a funeral procession. Nevertheless, Todd the owlbear is already rustling through the bushes and heading for the mules.

Nanny’s wishes mention nothing about nourishing an owlbear so Bizzle jams the Nanny bag into his greycoat bag of holding and slides off the mule, putting it between him and the owlbear. Tricksy can’t guess who is about to eat what. Gnome makes shadow puppets while Rambles hands out goodberries to the dryads and Todd helps himself to one mule.

The dryads and Todd are satisfied by the offerings for now so Bizzle starts climbing the tree in accordance with the first passage. He bounces on the lower branches freeing green leaves which Tricksy gathers into the empty bag. Gnome’s mage hand shakes out what Bizzle misses. It’s going smoothly until bouncing Bizzle attracts the ire of a few swarms of bees hiving in the tree trunk.

Here is Gnome’s opportunity to shine. He holds up his fire jar and shines four scorching rays at the bee swarms. Many bees are wiped out and the tree is ignited. A pair of displeased dryads pop out of the burning tree and assault Gnome. Tricksy hucks water bombs at the fire to stop its spread while Rambles makes it rain, he makes it rain on them foes, and extinguishes the flames.

Rambles attempts to explain Gnome’s actions to the dryads while they restrain Gnome with vines. Two dryads tag in and begin pummeling Gnome with shillelaghs. Rambles’ pleas are undermined by Gnome releasing more scorching rays at bee swarm reinforcements and directly at the dryads. When the dryads persist in the beatings, Gnome escalates to a cone of sorcery-amplified fire which incinerates a dryad and ignites the forest floor. A dryad begins to charm Gnome’s mule into carrying Gnome away, but Gnome counters the spell before the enchantment even leaves the dryad’s antagonistic mouth.

Conflicted Rambles casts hold person on Gnome in an attempt to deescalate the situation. Tricksy gets on board, sending suture fly Knit to suture up Gnome’s fire evoking mouth. Meanwhile bee-dodging Bizzle and Tricksy have collected fifty pounds of leaves, hopefully in accordance with funeral rites stage the first.

Rambles is busy persuading the dryads to forgive and forget their still-burning comrade so Tricksy reads the next task.

Bizzle and Tricksy ascend the tree, leaving the bees behind. An excitable shouting dryad joins them. Tricksy offers the universal gesture for, we come in peace. The dryad seems to not appreciate the irony.

Rambles beats out the flames with cloak and rain. Gnome becomes occupied with cutting away sutures even as Knit sutures the sutures faster than Gnome can cut them. Rambles capitalizes on the momentary peace to explain their mission of offering druid high tree funeral rites to their fallen friend. The dryads think this is so funny they forget all about their vengeance and return to their tree.

The fractious party gathers on the forty foot level in the tree to eulogize Nanny. Rambles fondly recalls their friendship of old. Gnome tries to recall whether they dated in high school, despite Nanny having no hair. Bizzle recalls some molasses-based practical jokes. Tricksy shares her admiration for Nanny’s enviable prowess at the sneak attack.

Tricksy shakes out the gathered leaves and reads the next task.

Tricksy walks up to the specified level. Gnome elects to have Tricksy haul him up by rope and pulleys, but considerately reduces his coefficient of friction with a schmear of griffon grease. Tricksy also pulls Rambles up while she ponders the poetic requirement of the third verse. Proud Bizzle declines assistance from Tricksy and instead plummets sixty feet to the ground when he misses a branch. He unsteadily makes his way back to the top. Gnome summons his pet roach to clean his face while waiting.

Rambles distributes the fifty cratatoes and each of them tosses his share of cratatoes high into the air in accordance with Rambles’ interpretation of the verse. Dryads cheer and there is great munching.

Gnome botches a throw and a single cratato falls uncelebrated. Gnome feels responsible and free falls out of the tree to retrieve the errant cratato. The ground beats him unconscious.

While dying, Gnome receives a visit from the spirit of Nanny who slaps his greasy face and chastises him for his recklessness.

Rambles takes eagle form and swoops down. He drops his last goodberry into Gnome’s bloody mouth and cures his wounds. He flies the final cratato up to Bizzle who enthusiastically tosses it up.

Tricksy reads the final task.

Tricksy ascends to the highest top of the tree where an enormous eagle nest hosts several baby eagles, recently and inexplicably pummeled by a hail of cratatoes from below. She soothes the babies while the maternal shadow of a giant eagle passes across her. Tricksy holds up the bag of Nanny meat as an offering, but it just looks like a bag to the eagles.

Injured Gnome begins his long and perilous ascent. Bizzle dodges the pecking baby eagles. Rambles eats a salvage bar to return to eagle form so he can explain to the eagles that they have journeyed far to offer a delicacy of cubed Nanny in accordance with the tall tree ritual rites. Tricksy empties out the Nanny and giblets into the nest. The baby eagles are interested, but pause at their mother’s caution. Why should she trust this Nanny meat isn’t poisoned? Because Mielikki, that’s why. That’s good enough for mother eagle and the disgusting circle of life continues.

Gnome, seeing he missed the grand finale, drops to the ground from thirty feet up and the ground knocks him out again. Tricksy walks down, Rambles flies down, and Bizzle swings down, acrobatically sticking the landing right above Gnome. Bizzle gets out his plan B and waits, hovering over Gnome. Gnome stabilizes on his own.

The group throws unconscious Gnome over the back of his mule which Rambles pilots back. They return to R&S headquarters without the benefit of Gnome’s fiery outbursts.

Zombie Creep has a million things to say, but three quarters of those things come out only as distressed moans. Once the party establishes that their newly undead teammate maintains his former loyalties, if not compelling good looks and un-putrid smells, they return to the cleared extraction room. Slick and Tatters complete defacement of the shrine. The suspended drow releases to the floor.

The dark elf, Ashdra, wants only to be returned to the temple of Ibrandul. When Tatters explains that might be out of their way, Ashdra impatiently stabs at Slick. Unnerved by Creep licking his undead lips and pointing at her dark brain, Ashdra makes a run for the door. Tricksy looses two arrows and Ashdra collapses. Creep pries her skull open and dines. He harvests her eleven drow organs for later, stuffed into his greycoat along with a spleen from earlier.

Tricksy unlocks the exit revealing a hallway that forks left and right at a white gate. Creep, jabbing his Ashdra-covered fingers at the map, indicates to Tatters that either left or right lead to an extractor. Tatters chooses the passage on the right to a room tinted red, possibly by Creep’s gory finger.

Tricksy quietly unlocks the red room door, the sound of footsteps interrupted by silence beyond. She walks up to the ceiling. Bizzle throws open the door and urgently advises the red wizard and two dread warriors to flee immediately because a fire elemental is on the loose. On cue, fire elemental Burny charges in at the red wizard and pokes him into flames.

Creep wanders in, largely ignored because zombies are common denizens of these parts. Slick steps in and fires a crossbow bolt past a dread warrior. The dread warrior comes at her with his longsword while the red wizard bounces lightning off her and into Burny. The other dread warrior comes to the red wizard’s aid, patting out the flames. Burny, under the influence of the violence-inciting room, betrays the control of Tatters and goes rogue on Slick, mistaking her for the source of his recent lightning pain. Now Slick is on fire and Tatters douses her flames before she’s overwhelmed. She eats a salvage bar and feels great.

The red wizard dies from fire wounds despite the faithful ministrations of his dread warrior. The dread warrior blames innocent-looking Creep and heads his way with drawn longsword. The other dread warrior, discouraged by Slick’s sudden good health, turns his longsword on Bizzle instead.

Tricksy shortbows the dread warrior between Bizzle and Slick and drops him, leaving her other arrow free for betrayer Burny. Bizzle flees Burny and starts to get a little paranoid about betrayal. Creep dispels Burny and, unlike Bizzle, feels nothing but confidence in the loyalty of friends. Tatters and Slick send magic and crossbow missiles at the dread warrior cornering Creep and drop him.

Four shadows emerge from the shrine’s four columns and surround Bizzle, sapping his strength. Bizzle activates the helm of teleportation, reappearing next to Creep who hands him a salvage bar. Tatters hands the four shadows a massive fireball. One shadow disintegrates critically but the other three shrug off the worst of the fire and glide toward Slick.

Tricksy kills the nearest shadow but breaks yet another bowstring in the process. Bizzle noms Creep’s salvage bar and charges back into the fray of shadows, scimitars swinging, and finishes another shadow. Creep eldritch blasts the last shadow and the room is clear, other than the sickly looking human suspended in the shrine of extraction and a general, yet intermittent, sense of betrayal.

Creep makes dinner plans with the red wizard. Slick and Tatters compromise the shrine releasing Duke Torlin Shilvershield of Baldur’s Gate, praise Bhaal. Typical of murder worshippers, Torlin wastes no time charging uncannily dodging Slick with his longsword and drains off a little of her life. Tricksy shortbows, Tatters magically missiles, Slick magically greataxes, and Creep eldritchly blasts Torlin. Bizzle, overcome with suspicions of betrayal, manages to stick both scimitars into the shrine. Slick’s greataxe of finesse ends Torlin’s dubious existence and he becomes another feast for Creep. Circle of life.

Creep peruses the Doomvault map while resting in the Temple of Pain. There are so many choices of extraction shrines to destroy. The group chooses one to the west with a black gate to be next. It never hurts to gain control of a black gate.

Tricksy ensures the short hallway doors aren’t trapped before they are unlocked with the skeleton keys. Slick hears clanking footsteps beyond. It’s been a few hours since Creep and Tricksy have done their Crycks impersonation so they prepare that. Bizzle barges into the eye-stinging misty room and warns the red wizard and helmed horror occupants to get supplicating because the boss is here to check on progress.

Insolence abounds as Crycks attempts to ascertain the status of the extraction vessel, a yaun-ti malison. The red wizard doesn’t understand his questions. Clearly someone here does not understand the mechanics of extraction, and Creep hopes it’s not him. Crycks explains the phylactery was destroyed a month ago by some salvaging ne’er-do-wells so the red wizard and helmed horror may leave now. The red wizard believes none of this.

Tatters doesn’t care for the mist filling the room. He creates a gust of wind which fails to disperse it. Bizzle is stunned by the mist. Slick wisely stays out of the misty room and initiates violence with a critical crossbow bolt into the helmed horror.

The red wizard is well-rested from being relegated to oversight of an extractor for months at a time. He drops cloud kill on the party, but Creep catches the spell and stuffs it in his pocket. The red wizard retorts with blindness plus deafness, but Tatters counters that one as well.

The red wizard avoids Tricksy’s super suture fly, Knit. Creep and Tatters are both stunned by the mist and then blinded by the red wizard. Bizzle recovers from the stun and runs at the red wizard, scimitars first. Tricksy and Slick keep the helmed horror occupied.

The red wizard backs away from Bizzle and drops cloud kill again, uncontested this time. Everyone is hit, and Knit is slain. Tricksy and Slick escape the cloud and pour arrows and bolts into the red wizard trying to distract him. Tricksy runs up to the ceiling and double hits him critically. Bizzle tries to maintain contact, but the red wizard dimension doors away and tosses a necrotic blight ball at him.

The cloud kills Creep. Tatters finds his way out and firebolts the red wizard dead, exposing the helmed horror standing over dying Creep. Bizzle dashes to guard Creep and does his best to taunt the helmed horror, but the helmed horror randomly attacks unconscious Creep instead. Creep’s teammates engage the helmed horror. Bizzle forces a salvage bar into Creep’s gob.

Creep feels great. He jumps up and dances all around the helmed horror sticking it with his rapier. Bob The Destroyer, as the helmed horror never introduces himself, dies in anonymity and falls over.

Creep scrapes on the shrine runes. The resting group watches him bounce painfully off the force field until his injuries compel him to rest up. Now it is his turn to watch the others spend an hour bouncing around until Tricksy and Bizzle eventually compromise the shrine enough to release the yuan-ti.

The yuan-ti’s name is Oussa, all hail Zehir. Ungrateful Oussa refuses to fight for his freedom, but gets plenty fighty when all do not hail Zehir. Violence resumes but the giant snake doesn’t survive long enough to demonstrate his prowess. Creep’s witchbolt slays him immediately.

Confidence is high as the party decides to return to the previously surrendered shadow room. Tatters and Creep confer discretely and derive a plan which requires collection of all the corpses made in the temples extraction. Classic Creep. The corpses form a 10×10 bonfire ignited by Tricksy’s alchemical fuse. The bonfire is a component for a fire elemental summoned by Tatters to spread the bright light of free enterprise.

Burny the fire elemental is sent to work by Tatters to clear the shadow room of shadows. The bright light chases shadows into one side or the other of the room but disappointingly does not immediately disintegrate them effortlessly. Creep and Tricksy slip in to assess progress and help Burny find the shadows. Slick, mindful of the mission, gets into the shrine extracting a dark elf and starts scraping up the runes.

Creep gets piled by shadows who drain his strength. The room blinds him. Tricksy starts shooting Creep’s captors from the ceiling. Bizzle cuts down the nearest shadow but returns to the doorway to guard Tatters.

Slick gets ejected by the shrine and bounces into Burny. She retreats back into the shrine and extinguishes herself.

Tatters sends Burny running through the shadows, igniting them and Creep as well. Creep makes a sword burst and escapes the shadow mob only to be pursued by a dogged shadow who strength kills Creep. Rest In Peace.

Burny burns down a couple of shadows. Bizzle avenges Creep. Tatters magic missiles the last shadow.

Bizzle hits Creep in the forehead with Plan B. Zombie Creep is not as handsome as he used to be.

After a short rest for wizard Tatters and warlock Creep, Tatters opens the white gate to the west. Any direction away from the brutal shadow-infested temple of extraction that nearly killed Bizzle will do. Tricksy checks the door beyond for traps and uses the skeleton key to unlock it. Slick gets her dwarf on and barges into the room.

Slick finds another shrine of extraction. The room features weird red mist stripes in the air, as though the air were being whipped. Slick invites all comers to meet her magical greataxe of finesse. There are four who RSVP: a red wizard, an apprentice wizard, and two dread warriors. Creep parleys with the apprentice and closest warrior using his eldritch bolts of conferring. The dread warriors retaliate against Creep and the red wizard vollies magic missiles at him, but Creep catches the missiles and puts them in his pocket. The apprentice scorches Slick.

Bizzle charges at a dread warrior, shoving him into the shrine’s force field. The dread warrior unexpectedly goes through harmlessly instead of bouncing off prone like Bizzle always does. Tricksy and Tatters take on the red wizard at range but Tricksy snaps a bowstring. Slick buries her magical greataxe of finesse into the apprentice and he starts to topple over, but then doesn’t. Creep finishes off the red wizard with eldritch blast and turns to accept the apprentice’s surrender. Surrender is not forthcoming. Instead, the apprentice scorches Creep while the dread warriors battleaxe him brutally.

Slick chops down the apprentice. The group focuses damage on one of the dread warriors. Bizzle’s scimitar gets the killing blow. Tricksy replaces her bowstring in time to drop the other dread warrior.

Looting of the red wizard produces a wand of binding [7 charges of which 5 expend to cast hold monster and / or 2 expend to cast hold person] for Tatters, a scroll of scorching ray, a scroll of thunderwave, a potion of flying, and a glyph key and skeleton key for the area.

This extraction shrine suspends a human male. Tricksy, expecting another Therzt situation, sends an arrow at him, but the arrow sticks in the shield. Creep charmingly pushes into the shrine and inquires whether the human wants to be freed. The human manages a noncommittal groan. Slick, Creep, and Tatters wreck the shrine.

The released human introduces himself as Kieren. This chosen of Ilmater was taken against his will and, unlike Therzt, isn’t disposed to Melf himself with an acid arrow any time soon. The party realizes Therzt was NOT trying to contribute life energy to Szass Tam’s phylactery enhancement, on the contrary his participation was his ultimate failure. Kieren regards himself as both moral and ethical, but also too tired to help fight. He’ll wait in the lobby. Tatters offers Kieren some extra clothing.

Tricksy, beaten up trying to enter the shrine, drinks both of One Arm Andy’s healing potions. She checks for traps on the door going north. Bizzle, in excellent health from his earlier salvage bar snack, takes lead into the scarred marble chamber of tangible unease.

Bizzle steps to one of the four shadows accompanying a wraith and a deathlock wight in here. It’s probably not one of the shadows that nearly killed him in another room, but definitely a close relative if Bizzle is any judge. This one dies in only two revenging scimitar sweeps.

Creep and Tatters work out some strategy to neutralize the shadows first. Creep eldritch blasts a shadow down and Tatters hits another with a firebolt good enough to kill it, but the fire doesn’t bother the shadow so much and it endures.

Creep taunts the wraith who, taking the bait, drifts across the room. Creep scooches around the wraith and uses his shield to frighten it into the corner of the room. Slick tauntingly calls the wraith a baby.

Team undead makes a poor opening attack. Tricksy doesn’t fair much better as she breaks another bowstring and misses dropping green slime on the wight from the ceiling. Bizzle fells the wounded third shadow and Slick axes the wight.

The cornered wraith lashes out at Creep with a life drain, irreparably injuring his life. The room itself seems to help the wraith and Creep feels himself at a disadvantage. The wight, despite his own immediate problem of Tricksy dropping alchemist’s fire on his head, capitalizes on Creep’s condition and sends over a lethal gravebolt. Creep crumples.

Bizzle charges the wraith looming over dying Creep and attempts to push him away from Creep into the corner. The wraith and Bizzle slap at each other and the wraith definitively holds his ground. Tatters rushes to cast cure wounds on Creep. Tatters has that nightmare where he has a healing test but realizes he never studied cleric spells, except it isn’t a nightmare at all. So instead, he evokes up a copious salvo of smartened magic missiles at the wraith. Tricksy, overseeing the final conflagration of the wight, turns her bow and slays the wounded wraith easily. She considers shooting the dead wraith with a second arrow.

Bizzle adds healing potion to Creep who is a quart low. Creep rests, entertained by the others comically failing at entering the extraction shrine.

This extraction shrine suspends a half-elf female. Tricksy and Slick deface the runes to release Irisoth, chosen of Loviatar. She regards herself as ethical, but generally on the side of evil. Creep reckons to put her with Kieren so they may defend each other, but first extracts a solemn promise from Irisoth not to kill folk unless they kill her first.

The hunger of Hadar chills Humble the Red Wizard, Hisssss the wight, and the two remaining grey oozes. The ochre jelly makes a run for Tatters. Creep’s shadow slips off him and into a shadow hound that hounds Hisssss while Creep’s eldritch blast jams the jelly. Hisssss gets a longbow shot on Tatters. In a dazed state, Tatters wonders how an ooze used a longbow. Tatters firebolts Hisssss and Knit, Tricksy’s suture fly, sews his eyes shut. Tricksy slays him with a couple of arrows. Slick evades the wall tentacles to assist Bizzle, slashing her magic great axe wildly into the hunger at the hiding ooze and killing it with a splat. The cold hunger claims the final ooze leaving Humble to wander through the whispering, milky tentacles all alone.

Tatters eldritch blasts into the hunger, amazingly hitting Humble just as Creep releases the spell. Humble’s momentary relief of freedom from the hunger dissipates as Creep strides purposely towards her, his hex a mere prelude of the fiercest witch bolt he can evoke. The air around Creep’s hands distorts from the gathering electrical energy that streaks neatly past Humble and into the wall. The wall shrieks in exploding pain behind her. Bizzle sidles up with a fatal triple scimitar move. Slick helps herself to Humble’s 26 gold, a glyph key for the temples of extraction, and a skeleton key.

The drow chosen of Ghaunadaur, suspended in the shrine by golden light, moans in undercommon, too sickly to wake. Creep laments his arcane shortcomings, hinting for Tatters to examine the shrine comprising a three step dais with runes on the highest step and four jet black pillars that don’t reach the ceiling.

Creep suggests that Bizzle enters the shrine. Bizzle has no particular objection, but the shrine disagrees and a force throws Bizzle back violently to the floor. Tatters repeats this experiment and lands on his back next to Bizzle.

Tricksy, thinking to learn a new trick, examines the shrine’s defense but discerns it isn’t mechanical. Having therefore lost interest, Tricksy sets about precariously stringing razor wire around the black gate.

Creep can read any language if he tries. He tries to read the runes: Magic Force Field. That explains it perfectly. Creep walks right into the shrine with only the very faintest of tugs. He reaches out to stir the drow but gets a slight shock. The drow is unstirrable.

Creep, having perfected the art of speaking with dead, preemptively gouges out Humble’s eyes, jams his fingers deep into her ears, and conversates. You have done well! Just real quick, before we install your soul into the vault, how far along did you get with the chosen? Very far. And the next step in your good works? Make a phylactery. Stop being selfish, think of Ghaunadaur! As if! Ghaunadaur is an anti-reverse-misogynist deity for male drow wishing to escape the oppressive matriarchy. He is malignant and unknowable in the sense he gets his jollies from destroying things with oozes. Creep drops her head with a crunchity smack.

Slick, Creep, and Tatters enter the shrine without difficulty. Inspiration strikes Slick: the shrine, drawing life force from the drow, can be interrupted by defacement or destruction. Creep levitates up a column and critically chips off a big hunk. The thrumming power becomes unstable by about two thirds. Tatters focuses his intellect, emitting profound contemplation upon the shrine. The golden glow fades, releasing the drow.

Therzt, the free drow, laments falling short of the glory of Ghaunadaur, and he Melfs himself with an acid arrow. Three grey oozes emerge from the walls. Slick and Tricksy dispatch the nearest ooze menacing the group still gathered on the dais. Tatters spreads his arms and sends a trio of magic missiles to each of the remaining oozes. Creep eldritch blasts one, leaving it barely alive. Bizzle stomps it to death. The last ooze attacks Tatters but is stopped by Slick’s crossbow and Tricksy’s shortbow.

Tricksy looks around for arrows to reclaim, but the ones stuck in the oozes have all but disintegrated. She collects the oozy splinters into a specimen jar.

Creep leads the group south to an adjacent, darkened room with another shrine draining a female drow. The room is apparently otherwise unoccupied. Slick and Tatters hurry into the shrine, intent on its prompt destruction but are forcefully ejected out to the floor when they attempt to disrupt it.

It becomes increasingly difficult to ignore the shadows moving ominously around in the darkness. Bizzle stomps in clanging his lady blades to draw out the lurking shadows. His plan works as the shadows converge on the party. Bizzle is blinded, weakened, and injured. Creep evades the attack as does Tricksy, who dashes up the wall with Knit. The shadows vanish. Creep quickly conjures a sword burst before the shadows have time to move away, but they all avoid the spinning blades. Blind Bizzle is not so nimble.

Bizzle lurches blindly, clearing his path with swinging scimitars. He finds a wall and backs up to it. His lashing scimitar makes contact with something. Five shadows swarm Bizzle, reducing his strength and vitality to near death. Creep yells for everyone to retreat to the previous room, takes a stab at a retreating shadow, grabs Bizzle’s arm, and dimension doors to rejoin the party. Tatters arcane locks the door.

Bizzle chomps one of Creep’s salvage bars and the group discusses alternate avenues of exploration for a short while.

The search is on for Szass Tam at the suggestion of recently deceased One Arm Andy. With any luck, Szass Tam will know the entrance to the phylactery vault and be completely unguarded, if not asleep.

Creep chains together cantrips to slip into his persona of a levitating, red glowing eyed, red wizard lich. Tricksy, his “newly enjoined demon” and means of propulsion, takes up residence hidden in Creep’s robes. Together they form Crycks.

Bizzle dons his rumpled stiltskins and a purloined Thayan warrior uniform. Listening at the door at the short hallway to the north, he hears voices talking loudly, but not in anger. He recognizes a couple of the voices and peeks in to see Slick and Tatters disguised as red wizard apprentices. Several off-duty denizens of the Doomvault chat in this sleeping quarters.

Slick and Tatters, reunited in the Doomvault and infiltrating the locals, learn two important facts. First, a method of restoring life with necromancy has been pioneered in this part of the Doomvault. Second, the temples of despair are used to torture the enemies of Szass Tam.

Tricksy propels Creep into the sleeping quarters, and the room’s occupants prostrate themselves in fear of the dreadful Crycks. Crycks orders everyone to pursue escaped beholder Thaxalia and they all leave except Tatters and Slick.

Tricksy fashions a trap of bells and boulders around the door, colloquially known as a Ding Dong Death. The room is searched and Tricksy pockets the only valuable item, a jar of eyeballs labeled Morgz Ybalz Jar.

Tatters warns that some stairs down into a rough cavern leads to a heavily guarded black gate, where he and Slick entered. Instead, Tatters opens the door north.

Three Thayan apprentices kneel at a central stepped monument of grey marble that thrums with blue power. Looming Crycks explains to the puny mortals that he has recently joined with a demon, and the apprentices must answer a few questions before Crycks eats their faces. They answer that they serve some red wizards in the surrounding rooms, that they don’t know where Szass Tam is, and that they’ve been meditating here for months and don’t get out much. Crycks threatens the apprentices with a good soul draining and head explosion if they mention his name. The nearest apprentice micturates involuntarily. The party exits the north door.

The next room, a mausoleum, has walls of black marble lined with ivory urns decorated in precious metals and gems. Across the room is a black gate. A red wizard works at marble tables drawing the soul from an unfortunately screaming, yet unconscious, half-elf. The corpse of another red wizard waits on another table for the soul to transform it into a wight, like the two lurking at the edge of the room.

The red wizard’s name is Phaia, and she can converse while she works. Who are you? We are Crycks! Crycks offers to take that yummy half-elf soul off her hands. Tatters arcane locks the door behind them with the password FROYO.

Phaia doesn’t buy this Crycks nonsense and is so unconcerned that she doesn’t even stop working when she orders Todd The Wight and Dougg The Wight to attack. At this imminent indication of violence, Tricksy double shortbows Todd The Wight from Crycks’s robe. Dougg The Wight hucks an urn at Bizzle which shatters harmlessly, and non-preciously, on the floor.

Creep counterspells Phaia’s transfer spell and the half-elf’s soul returns to him. Creep dimension doors behind Phaia and offers to augury her entrails. Phaia asserts her entrails will never spill their guts. Bizzle scimitars her entrails and Tatters blinds her eyes.

Tricksy smacks another two arrows into the forehead of her mark, Todd The Wight, and he crumples. Slick’s magic greataxe engages Dougg the Wight.

Vastly outclassed, Phaia bargains for her life. She offers to teach them how to return life with necromancy, but no one finds her lifestyle all that appealing. Tatters accepts her glyph key to the temples of extraction, one of only seven worthful keys of its kind. No one in the party is compelled to vouch for Phaia so she is executed quickly as possible, yet disturbingly not very quickly.

Bizzle feeds a potion of healing to the unconscious half-elf. He is Kelson Darktreader and he can’t remember how he got here. He does happen to know that disrupting the flow of soul energy into the phylactery vault will break Szass Tam’s phylactery. That’s probably because Szass is using the temples of extraction to pump up his phylactery with abundant chosen souls in order to reach god status. Interrupting power during a soul update is the surest way to brick one’s phylactery. The party allows Kelson Darktreader to depart with a Blood Pens glyph key.

Slick finds a +1 dagger, a scroll of darkvision, and a scroll of water breathing on Phaia. A search of the urns ends when Slick is temporarily paralyzed after touching one. She feels much better after a short rest.

Creep and Tricksy reassemble Crycks. Tatters opens the black gate to the temples of oppression zone in the temples of extraction area.

Golden light suspends a male drow on the other side of this hexagonal room of shuddering white marble walls. A couple of grey oozes and ochre jellies and a wight guard the presiding red wizard. The red wizard requires a business statement. Crycks eagerly supplies that they have an urgent dispatch for Szass Tam; is he around? Also, FEAR DEMON INFUSED CRYCKS!

The humble red wizard, Humble, must stay with this chosen of Ghaunadaur and has no time for the likes of Crycks. They briefly debate who is deafer and who is stupider before Slick fires a crossbow bolt into the wight. Tricksy and Tatters open up on Humble. Creep encourages the party to not clump up, but when Tricksy and Tatters move away, the walls attempt to tentacle-slap them.

Creep drops a Hunger of Hadar on Humble. He and Bizzle head for a door to the south, but the oozes and jellies engage them from the edge of the Hunger. As the jellies emerge, unblinded by the Hunger, Slick, Tricksy, and Tatters engage them at range. Creep sprays his jelly assailant  with poison and creeps away. Bizzle finishes the first jelly.